A sad anniversary today

Three years ago, as I was on the way to a baby shower for Papa Bear's cousin, I missed a stop sign on an unfamiliar road and collided with another vehicle. I was treated and released from the ER, and I think I spent the next whole month at least in shock. Even though it was entirely an accident, I was responsible for the death of one person and severe, permanent injury to another.

The past three years have been extremely difficult. I now have a criminal record. I spent two years on probation. I paid restitution. I endured a lawsuit where they were seeking over $3 million dollars in damages from me. I lost a very good job due to dealing (or not dealing) with post traumatic stress disorder. While the lawsuit settled, only by the merciful hand of God, for only my insurance policy limits, there have been significant financial effects for Papa Bear & I.

Not only was the accident horrific in all the ways you might expect, it also left our plans for becoming parents completely up in the air for a long time. After 6 years of infertility, we had finally found the path we thought was best for us at the time. We were deciding betwen 2 adoption agencies to pursue domestic infant adoption and then wanted to become foster parents and do traditional foster care and foster-to-adopt. We were so at peace with that decision. We felt it was the *perfect* plan for us, and we were confident that it was in God's plan.

Needless to say, our perfect plans were derailed. For much of the time, we wondered if it would ever be possible for us to adopt in any way, shape or form. Adoption has been in *my* plans as long as motherhood had been. With legal battles looming and now having a *record* a number of slammed shut and others were barred for the time being. There are a number of options that will never be options for us now.

A little over a year ago, we started what felt like a tremendous leap of faith, and started the process to become foster parents. We still had no idea how things would work out as the civil suit was still pending. In February, at our last homestudy visit, our SW mentioned a little boy to us. We had so many mixed emotions. We were ecstatic about the thought, but we were in the midst of preparing for the civil trial, and the outcome was not looking good. How on earth could this work out? Through God's providence, the case settled, and children's services decided that we were the best placement for Captain. About nine months after we took a leap of faith, we were tucking our 9 year old boy in bed across the hall every night.

Gosh, the emotions of the last three years are in so many ways indescribable. I still shudder every time I hear reports of a car accident or I see an ambulance or a state highway patrolman in uniform. I still have nightmares. I still feel that empty hole inside of me that I felt when I was in the ER and I was being told what happened. It will take many more years of healing and probably many more hours of therapy before I can say I am *okay*, but I know God is faithful. He has been with me through these awful times, and He will continue to walk by my side. He still says, "Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you for I am your God. Surely I will strengthen you. Surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right arm."